Lionheart Grief Coaching

Early on in my own grief I couldn’t stop talking about my son. It didn’t matter who they were: friends, family, strangers in the grocery store. They all heard my story. This is a normal response in the acute grief phase- telling our story helps us process what has happened. It helps us to wrap our heads around the fact that it’s real.

Unfortunately, one of the potential side effects of letting everyone hear our story is that everyone feels like they have the license to tell us what they think. In a society where grief is normalized, this might be a good thing. The people around us in such a culture might actually hold space for us, acknowledge the pain we’re experiencing, and allow us to tell the story as many times as we need. For the most part, American society is the opposite. DIYers might tell you to read a book. The “Good Vibes Only” crowd is going to encourage you to think positively and look for the good. Faith-based people may tell you that your person is in a better place and not to be sad. Even if in normal times you ascribed to one or more of those ideas, in grief it’s enough to make the most kind person scream.

The truth is most people around you are not going to know what to say or do when confronted with your grief story.

Their responses can be so different from what you’re feeling that you stop telling your story altogether or even decide that maybe you’re the one who’s wrong about how to be in grief and attempt to conform to their expectations. Silencing yourself buries your grief. Rejecting your own experience creates distrust of self. Both of these routes cut you off from your experience and prevents you from processing your loss in healthy ways.

So what do you do? You remind yourself that not everyone deserves to hear your story, because not everyone has proven that they are a safe person to be vulnerable with. Some of your closest people have actually proven in past words and actions they are unsafe to share your burdens, whether by not listening or by sharing without permission to others. If you don’t know or definitely do know a person is not capable of being what you need in that moment, protect your story.

Here are some phrases that can help you create a health boundary when you are asked about your grief:

• “I’m not ready to share, but thank you for asking.”

• “You are kind to ask, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

• “I understand why you’re curious, but this is very personal.”

How do you know a person deserves to hear your story?

• They have shown you in past situations that they can accept your feelings as they are without correcting or advising you.

• They have shown you that being you is the most important thing to them- they love you just as you are.

I know this sounds radical, but you don’t have to share your story just because someone asks you to. When you set good boundaries on who gets to hear your story, you are practicing good self-care. The people who can be good listeners and witnesses will help keep you grounded, even during the toughest of emotional seasons. Honor your grief journey by saving your story for those who deserve to hear it.