Lionheart Grief Coaching

If someone has ever come up and said to you, “Well, at least they are not suffering anymore,” or “He/She is in a better place now,” you’ve been bright-sided.

For family members who were ill for a long time you might even hear, “Now you can get back to your life.” Bright-sided.

Any sentence that starts with “At least-” Bright-sided.

It doesn’t matter if you believe these things to be true- you can believe someone is in a better place or experience more free time and still wish and long for the person who has died. 

Brightsiding comes from a conscious or subconscious desire to see you “better” or “fixed.” The person engaging in brightsiding is deeply uncomfortable with your pain and wants to be more comfortable. They believe the way to do that is to make you see why you should be happy instead of sad. Picture an adult handing a sucker to a crying kid who lost a balloon- this is bright-siding. 

What do you do about it? Depending on who is offering a bright side, you may determine it’s beneficial to the relationship to tell them what they are doing is unhelpful.

If you choose to engage, you could say something like, “I know you believe that will bring me comfort, but it doesn’t. Would you like to know what helps me right now?” If they say yes, tell them what you need- perhaps it’s just for them to listen to your heartache or maybe you want them to distract you with an outing. If they say no or they become offended, this will be hurtful, but it will also help you to understand this person is not in a place to truly support you, even if you love each other.

Choosing to disengage with a person or conversation is completely acceptable! With strangers in particular, it may not be worth the energy of explaining what they are doing is harmful. Then again, you can certainly practice saying what doesn’t help and what you truly need on someone you’ll never see again. Not only may it be an empowering experience, they may actually take something away from the encounter. 

The important thing is to do and say what you can and want in that moment. You get to decide your level of tolerance and engagement.

If you feel like you are having the same conversation over and over with different people in your life, you might choose to write a list of your personal dos/don’ts to share with your closest family and friends. Invite the recipients to look them over and remind them your needs may change over time and you will communicate if/when they do. Let them know you appreciate their support and acknowledge their efforts. For many people language around loss and grief is unnatural and they frequently parrot what other people have told them in their own grief. Finding a new path and new words is a journey.

Discussion: Have you been bright-sided? How did it make you feel? What did you say in response or what do you wish you had said?