Lionheart Grief Coaching

It can be difficult to see the big picture when we’re in grief- one minute we’re doing just fine and in the next, we’re on our knees- metaphorically or literally. It’s easy to wonder if we’re going a little crazy- we may even ask ourselves “why is this happening again?” As much as the world tells us that grief is linear, the truth is that it’s a series of phases. One way to look at it is through the Contraction/Expansion Grief Model which I first stumbled upon when I picked up Joanne Cacciatore’s Bearing the Unbearable. (Highly recommend)

In this grief model, a contraction looks like a difficult day (week, month, or year)- we are deeply feeling our loss. It is painful and we want it to stop being painful. If you have ever been in labor, you know that in the contractions you are longing for relief, but it is the contractions that are aiding in the expansion of the cervix, allowing that new life to enter the world. A baby doesn’t get smaller to be born, a mother’s body gets bigger.

In grief, the contraction is us doing the healing work of touching our grief. Each contraction offers us more space to move within ourselves.

An expansion may look like a day in which we have more capacity- to be in the world, to feel like it’s ok to laugh again. Our ability to empathize and be compassionate to others is big. It’s in these times that we start foundations, write books, and generally create meaning in our lives- new life is flourishing. The expansion phase gives us the mental and physical breather we need to endure the next contraction and so on. When we create enough spaciousness within ourselves, our nervous system understands that we’ve built our capacity to experience discomfort and can go deeper with our grief work in the next contraction.

Because of this, both contractions and expansions are important phases to move through. The contraction helps us process our grief and the expansion allows us to find beauty and meaning in the world before we find ourselves in another season of contraction.

As you move through these seasons, knowing if you’re in an expansion or contraction can help you feel less out of control. In those moments when you recognize you’re in a contraction, allow yourself to tap into the parts of your grief you have difficulty acknowledging or expressing in your day to day. Let all the hard moments to come be a place where your contractions are honored as necessary and life-giving.

Just like an exhale needs an inhale needs an exhale, accepting and surrendering to the contractions in grief allow us to move more healthily into the expansions. Our grief doesn’t become less- we become more.