Lionheart Grief Coaching

Despite this world being extraordinarily challenging for a lot of people, there is a significant amount of ignorance surrounding how to be present with people experiencing tough circumstances. This is less an indictment of individuals and more so a judgment of our culture. In a culture that champions “good vibes only,” there isn’t much room for acknowledging an unfixable situation.

This lack of education does us all a great disservice- not just to the person experiencing great pain, but also to those who want to help and don’t know how.

I hope the following guidelines give you the jump start you need:

1) You can’t fix it and they don’t want you to.

Avoid saying comfortable phrases like: “it will work out.” The hard truth is it didn’t work out. The job is over, the relationship is ended, the person they loved has died. It definitely did not work out. Saying things will work out inadvertently telegraphs an idea that what they are experiencing is not that big a deal and figuring out how to live in this new reality is trivial. This makes people feel like their feelings about their situation are not valid. This will either mean they stop sharing their hurts with you or they stop sharing them at all.

Other phrases that are not helpful: “everything will be ok,” “God has a plan,” (you may genuinely believe this to be true, but unless you have insight into what that plan is (unlikely), it’s not helpful) “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” (seriously, I love you, but please stop talking).

Phrases that ARE helpful: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” “I would like to grab coffee with you today/this week and hear how you’re doing,” (please don’t forget to follow through or this turns into a bad phrase).

Acknowledge the situation is painful/hard. You don’t have to know exactly what it’s like to witness someone you love experience pain.

2) There is no time table.

Grief is a lifelong journey, particularly when dealing with the grief of death. David Kessler puts it well when he asks, “How long will grief last? How long will the person be dead?”

It is easy to see someone in pain and wish to make things better. Understanding that you cannot make it better is critical to being a good part of someone’s support system.

Sitting silently or just listening to a person who is struggling is better than not showing up. It’s ok to not have answers. People you love aren’t looking for answers and they don’t expect them from their loved ones- they just need their people.

3) Be present and stay connected in practical ways.

Find practical ways you can provide assistance and then tell your friend/family member what you want to do and ask them when would be a good time to do it. If you wait on that person to tell you what they need, you’re likely to never hear from them. It’s not that they don’t need help or that they don’t want help- they are just too consumed by what is going on to ask for help or even have the presence of mind to know what would be helpful.

4) Practice self-care.

Remember that your friend/family member cannot fill you up emotionally- they will drain you- that is just a reality. It’s unlikely they will be able to reciprocate what you are doing for them during this season in their lives. Make sure you connect with other friends to counterbalance the draining effect of maintaining this relationship- otherwise you will find yourself pulling away and staying away because your self-care is being neglected.

5) Repeat steps 1-4.

The fact is there will be days when your friends/family members feel like they can overcome anything and then there will be days when all they can think about is how hard the world is and how much they wish this wasn’t happening to them. The emotional roller coaster is unpredictable so being intentional about your presence in their lives is key.

This is not an exhaustive list of ways to be available and present, but following these basic guidelines can make your support a net positive to the person in your life going through a difficult season.